Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dreams (...96 days)

I think the trauma of losing my job is sinking in.  Last night I had a dream that three people were standing around me, like seamstresses or tailors, measuring my arms and legs.  I was calm while looking at them on all sides.  One person would hold up an arm and another would measure the circumference.  Then they measured the next arm.  Then do the same with my legs.  “We’ll put you to sleep so you won’t feel anything,” one said to me.  I didn’t react and I didn’t fight as it sunk in what they were planning to do to me.  I just stood there listening as they said they would need to cut off my limbs.   

This dream is obviously about losing my job.  Suddenly my life is less stable because my income and healthcare have been taken away. It wasn’t in my control and I can’t do anything to change it.  At night I’m not sleeping well as I felt the weight of this situation.  During the day I feel pretty good.  In fact, sometimes I want to cheer about losing my job.  I feel moments of ecstasy and intense relief because it feels like I’ve been given freedom from a tiring obligation.  I’m thrilled to have some paid time off and a chance to work on my own projects.  It’s almost as if this is a dream!  But at night I lay awake worried.  I’ve cried a few times, overcome with worry about the cost of COBRA, how to reduce my expenses, how to address my retirement plan, and how I will earn money again. 

I am so uncertain what the months ahead will bring.  Maybe I’ll feel more and more weighed down by the lack of stability.  What if I start watching Ellen and eating tubs of Breyers for breakfast?  More likely, I hope, I’ll use this time well and find myself in a happier situation.

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